


of fears and regrets

by pocketgalaxies



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, death tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 21:39:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3356225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketgalaxies/pseuds/pocketgalaxies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Laura doesn't realize how scared she was of losing Carmilla until Carmilla was lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fandom version

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration: [this](http://laura2theletter.tumblr.com/post/103943556955/sicklysatisfied-are-we-living-or-just-existing) post from Laura’s Tumblr
> 
> I have another version of this that didn't heavily reference Carmilla that I wrote to enter into the Scholastics Writing Awards. Unfortunately I didn't win anything but it's all good! Chapter 1 is the Carmilla version. Chapter 2 is the (arguably better) other version.

_My beloved, the kindle in my heart,_

_I hate that I love you so much, that I can give to you a part of me I've never given away, and I hate that you can lift me up to the skies with a word and send me crashing down with another. I hate that you smile and outshine the world, I hate that you frown and pull sympathy from the darkest parts of me. But somehow you make it all so wondrous, so lovely when you hold me in your arms and whisper words of philosophy into my ear, thoughts on the stars and yourself and me and us._

_(We're nothing to that light, you had said. Disagreement bubbled in my chest.)_

_I find you've given me too much to live for and I hate that I love it._

_Where are you? I miss you. Can you hear me?_

_(I never got the chance to tell you: I am very much in love with you.)_

::

 _Thantophobia_. You've heard of it, skimmed over its definition during an hour spent on the Internet when you were so tired and delusional you don't remember how you got onto the computer, let alone how you ended up at the definition of that word.

 _The fear of losing someone you love_. It's something you vaguely think you have, something you probably got after the warmth left your mother's hand and you soaked white hospital sheets with salty tears.

But you had always figured "love" was a strong word. Losing someone you really, truly love would probably not prove to be a problem for a very long while.

(And you were right, for the most part. Aside from a break-up in high school that had you thinking your world was about to end, thantophobia had always been a thought for another time.)

::

Carmilla betrayed you. (At least that's what you tell yourself.)

And as you start to pick up the broken shards of your heart, as you carefully fit them back together and hope distraction is a strong enough glue to hold them there, you realize the finished puzzle spells out the world _love_ , in all of its heavy and terrifying and burning nature.

 _What holds the pieces together is more important than the pieces themselves_  becomes some intrinsic chant as you hurl yourself into finding the ritual and surviving it, distraction after distraction after distraction the glue is more important than the pieces of a heart you cast Carmilla away with a cold _go run and hide._

_We're done._

::

Perry agrees to untie LaFontaine so you sit down in front of the camera like you have for so many weeks before this, and you send a message out to your dad. "I love you" comes out easily, naturally, simple easy words rolling off your tongue with the grace your mother always had.

You can't say the same for Carmilla. For Carmilla, _love_  comes to you with its familiar scariness, with this force you'll never be able to fathom, and you find yourself stopping before your lips open, before it tumbles out. Some part of you thinks maybe if you don't say it out loud, it won't be true. If you don't say it out loud, you don't love her and losing her won't be a problem, you'll be able to shrug off thantophobia and nothing will be a problem, nothing is a problem.

_(Nothing to that light.)_

You manage a frustrated, "You know!" instead and leave the room for what you think might be your last time.

::

(You loved her so much she became your biggest fear.)

She was there in front of you, she was there as a cat she was there as a beautifully selfless vampire, and then she was there as a silhouette against a blinding light.

And then she was gone.

And sitting in your bed, cocooned in warm blankets drenched in her scent, you still feel the freezing shackles of _thantophobia_  on your wrists and ankles.

You loved her you loved her you loved her so much, and now you've lost her.

_(Where are you? I miss you. Can you hear me?)_

_(Please come back.)_


	2. nonfandom version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second version that does not directly reference Carmilla and makes much more sense to the layperson.

_My beloved, the kindle in my heart,_

_I hate that I love you so much, that I can give to you a part of me I've never given away, and I hate that you can lift me up to the skies with a word and send me crashing down with another. I hate that you smile and outshine the world, I hate that you frown and pull sympathy from the darkest parts of me. But somehow you make it all so wondrous, so lovely when you hold me in your arms and whisper words of philosophy into my ear, thoughts on the stars and yourself and me and us._

_(We're nothing to that light, you had said. Disagreement bubbled in my chest.)_

_I find you've given me too much to live for and I hate that I love it._

_Where are you? I miss you. Can you hear me?_

_(I never got the chance to tell you: I am very much in love with you.)_

::

_Thantophobia_. You've heard of it, skimmed over its definition during an hour spent on the Internet when you were so tired and delusional you don't remember how you got onto the computer, let alone how you ended up at the definition of that word.

_The fear of losing someone you love_. It's something you vaguely think you have, something you probably got after the warmth left your mother's hand and you soaked white hospital sheets with salty tears.

But you had always figured "love" was a strong word. Losing someone you really, truly love would probably not prove to be a problem for a very long while.

(And you were right, for the most part. Aside from a break-up in high school that had you thinking your world was about to end, thantophobia had always been a thought for another time.)

::

She betrayed you. (At least that's what you tell yourself.)

And as you start to pick up the broken shards of your heart, as you carefully fit them back together and hope distraction is a strong enough glue to hold them there, you realize the finished puzzle spells out the world _love_ , in all of its heavy and terrifying and burning nature.

_What holds the pieces together is more important than the pieces themselves_  becomes some intrinsic chant as you hurl yourself into your work and other people’s work and work meant for nobody that you sought out anyway, distraction after distraction after distraction the glue is more important than the pieces of a heart you cast her away with a cold _get out of my life._

_We're done._

::

You’re drunk, so drunk, and somebody’s convinced you you’re about to go on a suicide mission to save a brother you don’t have, so you sit down in front of an imaginary camera and you send a message out to your dad. "I love you" comes out easily, naturally, simple easy words rolling off your tongue with the grace your mother always had.

You can't say the same for her. For her, _love_  comes to you with its familiar scariness, with this force you'll never be able to fathom, and you find yourself stopping before your lips open, before it tumbles out. Some part of you thinks maybe if you don't say it out loud, it won't be true. If you don't say it out loud, you don't love her and losing her won't be a problem, you'll be able to shrug off thantophobia and nothing will be a problem, nothing is a problem.

_(Nothing to that light.)_

You manage a frustrated, “You know!” instead and stumble out of the bar and into the street, suffocating suffocating suffocating.

::

(You loved her so much she became your biggest fear.)

She was there in front of you, she was there as a blur, she was there as a beautifully selfless hero pulling you away from the road, she was there as a silhouette against a blinding light.

And then with the nightmarish echoes of a blaring car horn and screeching tires, she was gone.

And sitting in your bed, cocooned in warm blankets drenched in her scent, you still feel the freezing shackles of _thantophobia_  on your wrists and ankles.

You loved her you loved her you loved her so much, and now you've lost her.

_(Where are you? I miss you. Can you hear me?)_

_(Please come back.)_

**Author's Note:**

> Completed: 12/1/14 22:21


End file.
